Of Eyeballs and Shenanigans
by pyro-rocketeer
Summary: "Haruno-san," He began pleasantly yet warily, "That's a great tale, perfectly publishable and perhaps chiefly enjoyed by masochists – but I need to leave. I have a...meeting." Time-travel. Mild Kakasaku if you squint. One-shot.


**I own nothing.**

A/N: So a very angsty Alice decided to follow a deranged plot-bunny down to hell. I'm not remotely funny - I'm tagging this as adventure, because I hope it's one hell of a ride. Unbeta-ed, please suspend your disbelief if it makes no sense ty

Some explicit descriptions of violence - be cautioned. Also Language.

* * *

As the only shinobi in the Fire-nation (besides the Yondaime) to earn a _Flee on Sight_ order beside his name – Shisui Uchiha lived up to the status. He was qualified, usually perceptive enough never to be reduced to such a state. Perhaps the leaky wounds, the excruciating pain, the ringing in his ears – had written his end with a blood soaked pen.

Blood-loss.

"I was supposed to use Kotoamatsukami upon the elders, Itachi. But it's too late for that."

So he plucked out his only eye – that wretchedly beautiful _thing_ and held it out to his cousin. It felt soft, morbidly like a bloody marshmallow. Blood dripped between his fingers.

"Take it."

"Shisui…"

"Please Itachi, do this for the village."

More blood poured from his closed lids. It was pitch black. He couldn't see Itachi's face but he could imagine the contours of his face twist into grief.

"Ahh…man – don't look at me like that...you know we have to do this." He tasted blood in his mouth as he stretched his lips to grin, "My death will change a _lot_ of things for you."

He felt his fingers empty as, they caught Itachi's in some kind of handshake.

"Good-bye 'tachi." And to all his family, his friends and most importantly – Konoha.

He breathed in the air of the Fire-country, one last time.

And smiling, he took a few steps backward. Itachi's voice faded away into the sound of the swirls and sounds of the water-fall. They were roaring – as if it was to jeeringly remind him of the inexplicable beauties of life.

Shisui slipped off the edge.

He anticipated the sounds of his bones breaking as this body, which was broken many times in service of his village – would break one last time. He anticipated excruciating pain.

Only it never came. Someone gripped his waist and he felt sucked in by the rush of energy of a teleportation - or something like that. And before he knew it – the wet spray of water and warm wind was replaced by some dry, cool air.

"What the–"

She was probably one of Danzo's men. He thought warily.

"You will never win, Danzo." He hissed, attempting to get up. If anything, they weren't going to have his _body_ of all things – he reached for his ANBU fire-tag. In an event of a failed mission, Konoha ANBU were required to dispose of their _own_ body.

He found it missing.

There was a clatter and a low chuckle. Their cool finger-tips met his temples.

"Not today, Uchiha."

And he knew no more as his system was _suddenly_ rushed with the force of warm chakra.

* * *

"Did you run into any conflict on the way or back?"

He paused, before tightening his features. His eyes still stung. "None, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage sent him an unreadable look for a few moments. He was tapping his fingers on the desk.

"Did you encounter any incident related to Shisui Uchiha?"

But what was he allowed to say. Anything he said would frame him as Shisui's killer – that would be…how could that even…how could they even _dare_ think of _him_ being Shisui's killer?

"No, Hokage-sama…" He began, closing his mouth firmly and looking straight ahead.

The Hokage leaned back with a sigh, "Yare…yare...today's been a tiresome day. Sorry Itachi, it's not usually medical protocol for me to tell you this news right now…"

But he already knew. Shisui was dead. His cousin was dead dead dead.

"But Shisui was dropped by the Konoha general hospital today…" Mistaking the expression on his face for horror, the Sandaime kindly elaborated, "He's alive – by some stroke of luck. They are still working on him."

What? Itachi's jaw dropped.

"…hmmm? As for his mission, it seems as if he failed it. However, there was a _disruption_ in the Uchiha clan district a scant few hours ago – roughly around mid-afternoon? Relatively harmless, but several individuals had to go to the hospital for a bad case of stomach flu. Two of the elders, especially. As a result – as per a last minute decision, I received word that it would have been failure, anyway. Someone put an excessive amount of laxative in their breakfast?"

That sounded like a _bad_ prank.

"So…the clan meeting was…cancelled?"

"Curious, isn't it? Perhaps I'll situate ANBU around the compound tonight. Itachi, you are to report to me about your family's workings after this. By the by – Sparrow…" The Hokage swapped his attention to the ANBU who was on his knee in a flash.

Itachi blinked as his mind began to reel. Maybe he could…he could change the clan's intentions with Shisui's eye.

"I need you to get Dog in here too."

And that's precisely what he would do.

"Hokage-sama! Is it too late to take Shisui's mission?"

* * *

Kakashi Hatake had been having one hell of a week.

"Ibiki-san," he said calmly, "I was forcibly dragged to Ichiraku Ramen by Asuma and Kurenai at approximately 17 hrs. After that I was forcibly dragged to training ground 11 for more humiliating practice with Gai."

The Sandaime folded his hands behind his back and sighed. He nodded at Kakashi's captor and surely enough, the very sharp kunai at his neck was reluctantly released. Kakashi breathed out and tore his eye from a rather disappointed Ibiki.

"So you weren't anywhere near Konoha General hospital, were you?"

"Hokage-sama, I had to spend the evening with Gai." He deadpanned, his arms were still sore – dammit. All he wanted was to go home and have a cool bath, eat something and read his Icha Icha.

The Hokage's face twisted into mild humor

"I apologize for this mess, Hatake-kun, but er…Shisui was on a rather important mission. He could only have been attacked from someone on the inside of the village."

Ha? So…what did he have to do with it?

As if answering his thoughts, the Hokage pointed to his articles on the table. His ANBU mask and his three kunai that he always kept at hand, one of them was a three-pronged kunai in memory of Minato-sensei.

"Sensei's kunai?"

"No," The Hokage shook his head, "Someone wearing your wolf-mask managed to show up outside Konoha general hospital with a wounded Shisui Uchiha."

"Ha?" He scratched his head, "I wasn't aware that any other ANBU went by my alias."

The Hokage sighed, "Me neither, Kakashi – Ibiki can you go interrogate the other suspects, I'll be there in a minute. Kakashi, you may leave – but I have to speak to you before that."

The Hatake nodded, "Hai, Hokage-sama."

There was a twinkle in the old man's eye that sort of unnerved him.

"How's your new tenant?"

* * *

Kakashi did not return home to food that he had painstakingly prepared the day before. He heard a rather loud chuckle up in one of the other rooms and narrowed his eye.

Of-course.

"Heh," A certain pinkette perched upon her shambles of bedding, gazed down at the collection of his prized literature, "And here I used to think he'd be reading the same book over and over, who knew?"

She brought the bottle to her lips and glanced at the entrée into her room.

"I thought I told you, no drinking in my apartment. You signed an agreement, eye-patch."

'Eye-patch' rolled her single eye.

"It's not alcohol, Kakashi," she snorted, emptying some of the sweet nectar down her throat, "It's my specially brewed concoction – energy drinks! Wanna know what's in it?"

"No and why is my collection of Icha Icha in your room," Kakashi sent her an irritated look, "I thought we talked about you intruding into my space and poking at my stuff –"

"Yeah yeah, relax, I didn't mean to look at your porn stash," She waved him away as she opened the flap of one of the books, "I was looking for _The Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi_ and I was too lazy to go to the book-store – and then I found _these_. Besides what's the big deal? I thought we were friends!"

She batted her eyelash at him.

"You are my tenant," Kakashi slapped her hand away and picked up the armful of books, "And you do not touch any of my stuff, not especially my Icha Icha books, which are not porn by the way – do I need to draw a chalked line in this house?"

She grinned at him. He felt his vein twitch.

"Ah – would you look at that? I have a shift at the hospital!"

"Good-riddance," he muttered under his breath but loud enough for him to hear her.

"Mou, you are no fun." She whined, "You good-for-nothing, boring, cheap miser – why is your rent price so high, anyway?"

He slammed her door promptly before she could go on. She gazed at the door, thoughtfully before smiling ruefully to herself.

"Yea Naruto – Kakashi-sensei was a massive pain in the butt," she ejaculated mentally before raising her voice, "Good thing there's alcohol! Cheers to alcohol!"

There was the sound of a door banging. She swished the bottle of _whatever_ between her fingers one last time before bringing it to her mouth in a single gulp.

* * *

The hospital at night was an eerie quiet – save for the beeping of the machines. The night had been _difficult_ for Itachi, seeing as he had just managed to reverse the decision of the coup – four votes to one. The last one, Uchiha Tooru, would be something that he would deal with at a later time.

But that didn't matter, as long as the decision was reversed.

"I do not understand." Itachi said over and over, as he stared at the frozen form of his friend on the bed, "I truly don't understand."

Shisui was thought to be placed in a coma as his body was recovering – supposedly forced coma. The nurses had never seen such advanced work on a shinobi – in the sense, his body was regenerating by itself.

And one day he would just wake up.

"Who would do such a thing?"

* * *

"Haruno Sakura present!"

The night shift staff only consisted of an elderly nurse. Sakura cringed internally as she thought of the state of affairs in the hospital. Konoha General Hospital was largely understaffed these days. She felt someone shove a writing pad and pencil in her hands.

"Sign in, get to work – bed pans first, check on patients. The usual."

She was drearily reminded of her younger, much more terrifying days as a newbie medic.

"Right."

The elderly nurse left Sakura standing alone in the staff-room. The pinkette pulled out the plastic chair and leaned back on it, placing her feet on the table as she formed two other clones. Snorting to herself – she sent them off to work.

And even back then, back when she could only produce one clone – her mentor never caught on.

"Right, next order of business," she cracked knuckles, "causing more shenanigans in this village. Ruining Danzo's plans and killing Madara – and Orochimaru, if he gets in our way. How hard could world peace be?"

She laughed chirpily, the guffaws filling the entire room, and then it all came to a stop – like the sound of a train sputtering to a stop.

"Patience Sakura – we'll pound Naruto when he's older."

* * *

But how did Sakura get into this situation, you ask?

Haruno Sakura was a time-traveler, sent spiraling back – courtesy of none other than her number one unpredictable Hokage. Naruto Uzumaki had changed many things– like for example, Konoha system had undergone a massive revamp. The elders were taken out of position. Clan power imbalances were destabilized as per Hinata's request.

The relationship between the five nations were strengthened etc etc.

He had changed the world for better. Eh – Annual ramen festivals had to count for something.

But he couldn't change his best friend. Sasuke went mad shortly after Madara's death – causing the only, last Uchiha to significantly escape the village one last and final time. His madness was nothing short of terribly sad.

And the next thing they knew – they began to hear tales about his slaughter in other lands.

Whatever dark arts that Sasuke used, shouldn't have affected Sakura as much as it did. She had _made_ up her mind to just give up on the boy – sworn it atop rooftops, told every one of their friends and then Kakashi. But sometimes she couldn't sleep when she thought of him and the way his fingers traced her jaw the night he left.

And then he tried to choke her before Naruto interfered. One thing was clear, Sasuke would have to be put out of his misery.

He was the evil that needed to be _snuffed_ out.

Surely enough, Sakura woke up one morning to find her dear old sensei missing from the village.

Naruto sent her to find him in a last ditch attempt with Kiba – the duo scoured Fire-country and only found the wayward Hatake and Uchiha in a final battle. Sakura was tenderly cradling her sensei in her arms. She briefly noted Sasuke's corpse a meter away.

And Hatake Kakashi had this completely vulnerable look on his face, beckoning her closer. In an attempt to hear his final words – she leaned forward.

He plucked out her left eye.

* * *

"That's a horrible future," Itachi Uchiha blandly noted to appease his enthusiastic captor, "Painful, horrible and just downright – yeah"

The loony woman, roughly about 19 or so – had just ambushed him on his way back from the hospital, telling him that she needed to talk to him and it was urgent. Then she launched into her tale with his little brother as the main-character. It was common knowledge that the Uchiha family had two sons – Itachi and Sasuke.

But that didn't mean she had to _make_ up stories about them.

"Well…he's always been sort of fucked up."

The woman _was_ a loony-bin. His mother had always warned him about talking to strange people.

"Pardon me –" Itachi paused, gauging the moon's position above him, "uhmm…."

"Sakura Haruno."

"Haruno-san," He began pleasantly yet warily, "That's a great tale, perfectly publishable and perhaps chiefly enjoyed by masochists – but I need to leave. I have a...meeting."

He couldn't be away from the compound for long.

The woman didn't say anything for a few seconds as he turned to leave and then –

"I can save Shisui Uchiha, you know. I can _wake_ him up."

He paused.

"How do you know about…Shisui?"

The girl had a mysterious glint in her eyes, "I know lots of things, Itachi. What if I told you I was a time-traveler?"

"That's…unheard of and impossible."

The woman with the eye-patch smiled at him, "I don't know how much I can convince you. What proof do you want?"

"…"

"I guess I can tell you the knowledge of present events. The Uchiha have been planning a coup." She began, "And you, dear Itachi – are a double agent."

His eyes flashed red.

"That's confidential."

"Am I wrong? All dirty secrets come to light in ways you _don't_ want to imagine" She chuckled dryly. The wind swept through her long hair as she confidently rested a palm on her hip, "In my future, this coup doesn't happen – however it comes with a great price."

He dropped his training articles.

"Start your vague tale from the beginning – everything you know."

* * *

On exactly February 15th, when the night rose – Itachi received a visitation from the traitorous grand patriarch of sorts.

Sakura Haruno was right.

These thoughts swirled through his head as he listened to man make a very entitled speech. Itachi responded with agreeing, compliance, maybe fool them with a little bit of well placed questions – clients liked it when you show them intelligence.

When Uchiha Madara (or Tobi, as he frequently referred to himself), had finished his speech.

"I'll be here shortly, in a month or so for your answer – not like you have any alternatives. I'll send word. Any questions?"

His eyes glinted with some sort of strange convoluted pride. That gaze held Itachi's posture. That was the same kind of look that the elders had – when they looked at him. For the _great_ and glorious future of the Uchiha clan…

Only Madara was a traitor to the Uchiha name.

' _I'm doing this for a better future_ ,' Sakura told him, ' _I'm doing this for your brother – because everyone's tale is a happier one, save for his. Think carefully about the consequences_.'

He nodded his head twice.

"It would be an honor to serve you," He belted out through almost clenched teeth. His hair hid the unreadable look in his eyes, "For the future of Konoha."

* * *

The events were escalating one after the other.

On February 16th, Shimura Danzo had been found dead at his desk – all of his personal body-guards were knocked out. His throat was slit – and from medical autopsies, it signified that it could only be done by a scalpel. His body showed signs of trauma, medical trauma – or a surgery drug only attained from the hospital.

So every person from Konoha's understaffed, underdeveloped hospital was dragged out to the lobby – including Sakura.

When Ibiki got to her, his eyes landed upon her pink hair.

"I have a few questions for you," He coughed, eyes straying onto her iconic eye-patch, "Why do you wear an eye-patch?"

"Is this part of the interrogation?" She asked him smoothly.

"A few of our Hyuuga have reported suspicious chakra activity over your eye."

"I wasn't aware that I was being spied on – without my permission."

"This is a shinobi village," Ibiki replied, "Suspicion is warranted. Can we take a look underneath your eye-patch?"

"Shinobi also guard their secrets, Morino-san. Can I take a look under your hat?" She shot back, causing him to twitch his eye, "What next? You'll be asking – can I look underneath your skirt?"

She said the last part loud enough for the other shinobi in the room to glance uncomfortably in a fuming Ibiki's direction.

"Per~vert!"

That's when her eye-patch was forcibly removed and Sakura watched the black patch of cloth crinkle in his eyes. She stared up at him through twin colored eyes – one bright emerald, the other was pitch black. It was as striking sight. Not that Ibiki could see it.

Her genjutsu had a _scar_ running over her eyelid – reminiscent of a certain copy-nin.

"Happy?" She hissed theatrically and then a sputter of a dry cry, "I'm just a girl trying to hide my ugly appearance!"

"Yamanaka, next." Ibiki slid his eyes away uncomfortably as she continued bawling.

"You make _girls_ cry! You are _horrible –_ you awful awful man _!_ And I got this from this very _nasty_ – oh hey, you don't want to hear more?"

* * *

She was holding a goddamn eye in her jar. She had also dragged him out into a secluded training ground – in the _dead_ of night. It was _pitch_ black as there was no moon tonight. If any caution alarms had been set off in his head – they certainly had been set off now.

"Enjoying the walk? Kakashi?"

"If you weren't my tenant – I would have killed you by now."

The moon was high, it would have probably been about one in the morning.

"I have perfectly acceptable reasons for this turn of development."

"Speak," He said, holding the tanto blade to her throat, "Why do you have an eyeball in your hand? Incidentally, the eye-ball that Danzo-sama was missing from his left eye."

She nonchalantly pushed up his anbu mask to reveal the spinning sharigan – completely unfazed by the kunai now drawing beads of blood from her throat. There was an unreadable look in her eye. Her breath was warm against his collar-bone. She was looking at him, but... _not_ really at him.

A kunai sliced the air between Kakashi and Sakura. And the duo split apart.

That's when the bushes rustled, and out came a certain Uchiha. Kakashi froze, meeting his reddened eyes.

"Sakura, why is wolf here?"

* * *

Itachi was now holding the jar – the jar they explained to have been extracted from Danzo. Shisui's eye.

Sakura glanced over at Kakashi, a potentially disturbed Kakashi who had his head in his hands. She'd seen this before, in the future – _her_ Kakashi would be found crying at her kitchen table.

Sakura would awkwardly give him a comforting pat on the crown of his head. She would lace her slender fingers through his white hair. She was a medic – she told herself. Touch was just a comforting thing.

Right now, she wasn't _anything_ but a way forward for him.

"Will you help me?"

She thought he would decline, but Kakashi Hatake simply eyed her for a moment. He had this _way_ of looking at her that made her insides clench.

"You…were my student in the past life?"

"That's right," There was a hint of pride in her voice.

"Was I a…" He paused, looking down at his feet, "…a horrible teacher?"

"The worst. But you were always there when it truly counted." She said, rubbing her fingers together. Itachi had been silent throughout the entire exchange because there was _something_ privy in the air between the two of them. Kakashi reached out for her.

"You turned out alright in the end."

She winced – thinking of her eyes, and shut them on reflex.

They hesitated, landed on her hair and tossed it around, gently.

"I still think I'd make a shitty teacher."

* * *

Tobi hadn't expected this. He dodged the punch and spun around to give the girl a kick – however she responded with swifter blows. He kicked her away and noted the third chakra signature between the trees. She was _fast._

"Obito," there was a second voice behind him, "We don't want to harm you."

He felt _something_ or perhaps the kid in him react to the voice. How did they know about Obito? The reaction was intensely violent as he was momentarily distracted.

"Quiet brat," Madara roared at the _thing_ inside him.

He was suddenly restrained, dropping to his knees as he fell. He began to phase out – he expected her lose her hold on him, much like water.

"Kamui."

He was seized bodily by a pair of strong wrists but she only succeeded in phasing with him. How?

The phasing technique was only exclusive to him – time and space were underneath his control. She could not gauge where he was being phased to. How did she manage to follow him here? That's when her eye activated as well.

"Easy," The infuriating woman snorted, "Because wherever you go – I follow. I have the same technique, Uchiha. The _same_ eye – Madara."

The _sharingan_?!

She had him pinned against the surface of the alternate dimension – the world of monochrome cubes and depth-less skies. Her fingers were glowing green as they caught onto him – medical ninjutsu, he realized in a panic.

And that's when all his nerves were momentarily numbed.

Her chakra, that very hostile chakra froze his body. Hashirama had something like that – he had _developed_ something like that in his later years. Tsunade could have caught onto it – and then this was –

"Unhand me woman!"

She was _lucky_ that he _wasn't_ up to his _full_ strength – oh how he would _crush_ her bones and enjoy every moment.

She grinned.

And she phased them out and he felt himself return somewhere _unfamiliar_. His back grazed against the tree. He blinked and gazed at the night sky with a sense of disorientation. His body was _numb_.

There was suddenly a flock of crows to his right, and as they dissipated - revealed Itachi Uchiha. To her left, Kakashi Hatake had slid up his head-band, holding up his kunai. On Itachi's shoulder was perched a bird. The fowl creature was gazing upwards at the moon – as if in contemplation, before the eye landed on him.

"Itachi! Boy!" He yelped out, "Save me!" His voice was _raw_ with passion as he called out to his only kin.

They weren't done yet.

The Hatake boy began the ritual, his fingers moving swiftly as the air around them grew chill. The girl's grip around his neck tightened. It was _suffocating_. He felt like his _life_ was sucked out of him. It was something, a practice that he'd seen the Fourth use on the night he sealed the Kyuubi into the Uzumaki brat.

It was the Shinigami.

Madara watched with horror as the Hatake boy offered himself up to the spirit. And then _his_ soul was sucked into the great monster's belly.

He screamed.

* * *

Sakura applied sealing arrangements on his body – preparing to preserve the corpse for a _while_. Itachi watched as she worked. There was a certain tenderness, a _rawness_ about the way she worked.

"You aren't happy." He attempted bluntly. Because even if it came with a cost – she had saved the future.

"No." She responded, sniffing, "Because he wanted this. Some sort of dumb atonement for a life of misery. Hatake Kakashi – that damn fool."

Itachi didn't say anything further. But then again he didn't have to.

"All of them are like that, mooning about atonement and stuff – for things that _weren't_ really their fault. Even Sasuke, he _fought_ Sasuke because he still felt so damn guilty over _everything_ that happened that wasn't his fault."

Her voice was crackly, dry and full of something he couldn't decipher. Obito rose, in his flurry of disorientation, not altogether completely – Itachi held him down. He was mumbling incoherent things. Itachi thought he was glimpsing at Sasuke's tragic unfortunate future.

"And now I've held my sensei's dead-body _twice_ in a row," she hissed angrily – as if _he_ was the cause of all that had transpired. Indirectly, they all affected the course of events of this wretched thing they called the future. The great future of Konoha.

There was a strain on her eye.

"How long have we been in this dimension?"

"It doesn't matter," she said, wiping the teary blood that was dripping from the side of her cheek, "We extracted Madara's soul – that's all that matters."

Itachi placed Obito underneath another genjutsu.

* * *

Everything was a nightmare.

"Hahahaha! That bastard is dead!" Obito screamed out, "Good! Retribution is a bitch and Kakashi's her true name!"

There was a resounding slap that poured throughout the chamber. Obito felt it before he heard it. In an attempt to regain his senses, he felt the sting upon his cheek as the girl in front of him held his gaze, firmly.

"Call my sensei a bastard one more time and I will gut you, Uchiha."

"Bastard bastard bastard" he yelped with some sort of childish glee. His eyes were _dark_ with madness, "Good for nothing _bastard_ who took Rin-chan away from me!"

Sakura wasn't sure what made her so upset – his _entitled_ arsehollery, or the fact that Kakashi's body was a _feet_ away from him. Her eyes flashed and her palm balled into a fist. Her teeth were gnashing. She was about to continue the onslaught before Itachi held back her wrist. He shook his head.

"Do not let yourself be swayed by this."

She breathed in and out, before seating herself down.

"We need to talk, Obito."

"None of your lies can _fool me!_ Why do you all keep _insulting_ us? _"_ He screeched, the sound clattered in her ears. She clenched her teeth and swiftly knocked him out. Goddam Uchihas and their uncontrollable emotions. He reminded her of things she _didn't_ want to remember. She didn't want to remember Sasuke.

She didn't want to remember because it hurt.

"Itachi, use Kotoamatsukami on him when he wakes up – he's beyond saving."

* * *

And all was quiet when they finally returned to the village. An unconscious Obito's arm was lugged over Sakura's shoulder. Itachi was following closely behind. He glanced up at the roof-tops.

"ANBU," he told Sakura, "Stay hidden, I'll redirect them."

Nodding, Sakura pulled the limp Uchiha to the shadows, exhaustion dragging with every step of hers.

* * *

Hiding Obito Uchiha in one of the secluded areas of Konoha turned out to be remotely challenging.

Sakura however, had to make do with the crude environment of Orochimaru's only underground laboratory. Their meals consisted of whatever Itachi could salvage from his house-hold or buy out of Kakashi's paycheck. And that was rather rare as he was on strict surveillance.

So Sakura and Obito feasted on leftover bread and water poured into test-tube glasses found in the cupboards. Obito was still rather…catatonic.

Sakura didn't blame him – even if he was nineteen, he still possessed the stunted mental growth of a fourteen year old. He mostly rested upon mattresses that Itachi had managed to salvage. And he was _somewhat_ messed up by Kotoamatsukami – as in, he was having a hard time realizing the _awfulness_ of his actions.

It wasn't any of her business.

Sakura didn't feel like playing doting care-taker to him, other than what was required. She saw to it that he wasn't sick. She made sure he swallowed his meals. That's about it.

She was pouring over all the books that she had asked Itachi to take out for her. Surely there had to have been some way to restore a soul from the Shinigami's belly. She tried asking Obito, but the man was too unresponsive for her to gather a coherent answer.

He then whispered something.

She leaned forward.

"What was that?"

"…maru…"

That was the name of her old neighbour's puppy. Sakura wrinkled her nose in thought, "What?"

"I suppose he means Orochimaru," Itachi said, climbing down from the rung-ladder, a set of blankets in his hands, "Orochimaru might know – as would the Sandaime, Sakura. He's capable of understanding seals and things of that sort."

He tossed the blankets over to Sakura who placed them around Obito.

"You know perfectly well why we cannot go to the Sandaime. Both of us are guilty of crimes that would not resuscitate any position of ours."

"They've also placed a warrant for your arrest and search. Along with…Kakashi's…"

She glanced over at a shivering Obito. A messed up Obito – who still needed some kind of closure. Shisui's mangekyo was too simple for his complicated, broken mind – but it had changed some of his vile intentions.

He needed someone who would be there for him.

Someone like her sensei, despite his lacklustre teachings and his very awful habit of reading porn in front of three young students.

"I know what you are thinking," Itachi warned her, "And no, there has to be an alternative."

She rolled her eyes.

"There's _no_ alternative, kid – only _dirty_ tricks."

* * *

"I'm astounded," Hiruzen Sarutobi began blandly, "I can't put my _feelings_ into words. You children have all been undeniably foolish."

From insane psychopathic students to time-travelling kunoichi. Hiruzen Sarutobi thought he'd seen it all.

Itachi gazed down at his toes. But Sakura was looking the Hokage in the eye, firmly – as if she had an option to be rebellious. But this girl – this strange woman who showed up out of the future and had set the events out of whack. The Sandaime wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about that.

"I understand that I have breached Konoha's policy and acted upon orders that weren't granted by you." She began, "But Hokage-sama, respectfully speaking I only answer to my Hokage."

Ah, the tricky fine-print.

* * *

So where did Naruto Uzumaki fit into all of this?

Unpredictable was an understatement. But then again, she should have seen it coming with all the official scrolls and post-war accounts of the Uchiha Massacre that he had shared with her.

"Snuff it all before it even begins – Sakura-chan!" He punched his palm for extra effect. There was _no_ good enough reason to _not prevent_ the tragedy that was Sasuke Uchiha. She didn't even have enough time to mourn for Kakashi's funeral and bat away Ino's incessant questions about her 'quirky new eyepatch'.

She was asked to come to the Hokage's office.

But why the hell did it have to be her?

She wanted to scream at him, clobber his big, fat, head into teeny tiny pieces – _oh my god_.

"NA –"

She began as she was promptly enveloped with red chakra. A grinning Naruto was standing in front of her, his hands placed on his hips. Whatever he said out of his careless little foxy mouth was disembodied into the swirl of warped time.

And that's how she ended up in the past.

"– _RUTO_?!"

She prayed that the Seventh Hokage could hear her inhuman death throes somewhere in the damned future.

* * *

"Naruto as Hokage," Hiruzen Sarutobi would wake in the middle of the night. He thought of the nine year old painting his nose bright red and painting a 'poop' symbol over the Fourth's cheek.

"Should I be worried?"

* * *

There was _no_ alternative.

"Sakura," Itachi began, letting himself into Kakashi's house. He neatly dodged a cup – "I uh…I know that you are about to be offered up in service of Kakashi's spirit…but…."

"What?"

"Um…" He coughed lightly, "I know this sounds selfish – given what you've done…but…"

"Spit it out," Sakura said, fanning herself with her notes. She lay amidst the bundle of textbooks. Itachi felt oddly sorry for the woman. She was just a mess, she was seated on the couch of Kakashi's living room – in his pajamas. There were empty bottles near her swaying feet.

"Please keep your end of the bargain."

* * *

When Shisui Uchiha awoke a few days later – Itachi was beside him.

"Itachi…morning…"

"Yeah I know."

There was something awfully strange about the way Itachi was looking at him. He could _see_ it, through _both_ of his goddamn eyes. Why did he still have his eyes? Nothing looked misplaced. The rays of the late afternoon sun shone upon him and their room.

He sat up hurriedly, remembering the _botched_ mission and then that woman who took care of him. It _wasn't_ a dream.

"Rest Shisui, you have no more worries – the clan's coup has stopped."

He ought to have been home. Everything felt _just_ right. But It was Itachi's face that gave it all away – that there was a _catch_. The boy then brought a green palm to his forehead – _medical ninjutsu?_ When did he –

"Itachi?"

"You are getting better, at least that's what the medic said," Itachi said, pulling his palm away, "She told me to check on you like this."

The rushing warm sensation reminds Shisui of certain disorienting memories.

* * *

"We just want Hatake Kakashi's soul back. Equivalent exchange," The Third informed her, "The kind of exchange where you exchange your soul for Hatake Kakashi's and pray that Madara doesn't come with the package. The shinigami can be a cheat – this is a _dark_ art of the highest form, Sakura."

Great. There was _no_ coming out of this.

"Let's do this," she said firmly, "I'll complete the latter half of my mission."

"Good luck Haruno," The Sandaime nodded, "Come whatever may."

Obito had come to watch, he said nothing as Sakura began to work. Itachi was beside him, supposedly in his ANBU attire – keeping watch on the Uchiha.

"You'll be bringing Kakashi back right?"

"Yeah," She hummed absentmindedly, reading through the final notes, "That's the plan."

Obito looked pained, but much at ease.

"I'm sorry," he said, "All of this could have been avoided if I had actually dodged that rock-fall back there. If only I was stronger...If only I was..."

The silence was thick with accusations. It did nothing to appease his frenzied apologies.

"Obito," The Hokage began gently when Sakura said nothing, "We cannot prosecute you for any of those crimes because of Madara's influence. However, you'll be taking responsibility for Minato's son, I hope?"

The man's eyes lit up.

"Of course!"

"Take care of my team-mate," Sakura slid her eyes over to him tiredly, "Make sure he's not trying to nail Iruka's chair to the ceiling. He gets good grades, sleeps well…Make sure he's always on time for school – and for _Kushina's_ sake, please make sure he eats something other than ramen."

He nodded his head, flinching as she mentioned Naruto's mother.

And Sakura began the ritual. The room turned cold – much like her previous experience, the foul breath of the shinigami filled the room – she blinked up at the form of the demon spirit. She felt dread – but that was what summoning the Shinigami felt like.

It's eyes scanned over the room before they landed on Sakura.

"Hohh?" It grunted.

"Haruno Sakura, I wish to release Hatake Kakashi back from your guts into his body." She began, firmly and clearly.

"Payment?" He spluttered out hoarsely.

"My soul in repayment."

She felt the steam rise all around her as her body felt like it was being lurched – like a vacuum cleaner picking up dirt or something like that. She felt ex _cruciating_ pain.

Between screaming, Sakura was beginning to have second thoughts about this thing.

"Listen can you just – make an exception. Shave off some life from my years or something. Maybe my older, uglier years? Pretty _please?_ "

Somewhere in the background, the Sandaime palmed his face. Itachi winced and Obito gaped at the girl with utter disbelief.

"I am all about _suffering_ and death!" The Shinigami screamed, "How _dares_ you order me and attempt to _trick_ your way out of this fate?!"

"It was just a suggestion," Sakura cringed, nothing was _ever_ easy when it concerned her, "Ah…easy easy – stop ripping me out, goddam – this is _worse_ than period cramps!"

She thought to herself right then, somewhere in the future – her friends would find their happiness because of her actions. People didn't have to feel _any_ pain anymore. As if it was a reminder of the exuberance of life – Sakura laughed one last time. It was a dry scream of a laugh.

Both, the Sandaime and Obito didn't really share the sentiment. Itachi still looked horrified.

"Heh. Maybe getting old and ugly wouldn't have been too bad."

Ino would also clobber her for missing her spawn's entry into the world.

The ritual began, and she felt her body painfully lurch from her soul violently. The last thing she saw was the stirrings of Kakashi's eye-lashes. She locked her gaze with Kakashi – who was disoriented before piecing two and two together.

His expression contorted into horror – in many ways than one, he resembled the Kakashi she knew. _Her_ futureKakashi had that same expression the first time she'd kissed him a long time ago.

She smiled. He tasted like honey and her favourite alcohol – then disappointment because she was pushed away.

"Good-times Konoha."

The Shinigami had at least kept his end of the deal.

* * *

Life had gone back to normal after that.

Kakashi and Obito had _talked_ a lot about Rin, screamed at each other – even fought. They were alright in the end.

Everything was alright.

The years and seasons passed, before they knew it.

It was spring, underneath the cherry blossom trees – there was a graduation ceremony for the young genin of Konoha. Shisui Uchiha watched as the genin were lined up behind the stage – waiting to receive their Konoha headbands. He watched the Inuzaka poke Uzumaki Naruto between the ribs.

"Obito is ecstatic," Itachi informed him, sitting down beside him.

"That he is," Shisui snorted, glancing in the other Uchiha's direction. He was seated beside a _very_ unwilling Kakashi Hatake, pulling on the latter's elbow and pointing at the stage.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Obito stood up and bellowed, "THAT'S MY BOY!"

Kakashi looked as he'd rather be _anywhere_ else.

"Sasuke Uchiha."

Shisui caught sight of his younger cousin clamber up on stage with all the candor of an Uchiha. Mikoto was squealing on his left. Itachi looked awfully proud for a brother – leastways, Shisui thought so. He knew for a fact that Sasuke having a _normal_ childhood was more important than _anything_ in the world to his big brother.

The names of the students went on and on.

And finally, they ended with one name.

"Haruno Sakura."

Shisui's felt Itachi tense beside him. Kakashi on the other end of the auditorium snapped his head up to look at the empty stage. Obito raised an eyebrow. And the announcer – Iruka scratched his head and repeated the name again.

"Haruno Sakura?"

She came out then, a small dainty little thing with _bright_ pink hair. A light scamper in her step, light-footed enough – as if she could dodge a few hundred blows. She bowed respectfully as the Hokage offered her the headband. His face was unreadable. She turned her face toward the crowd, beaming.

She had two bright green eyes. There was a tiny lilac diamond in the middle of her forehead.

"Pleasure to be of service to the village!"

* * *

Somewhere, if this story was pure comedy – you would probably imagine the Shinigami hissing in a fit of rage, stomping around to the sounds of Nickelback.

"Goddam double-crossing, time-travelling, trickster scum–"

He'd have been sitting on his desk, drumming his fingers into oblivion, a single paper in his grasp. And on it, scrawled in blood would have been –

" _Read the fine print, Shinigami-chan!"_

"– why I oughta _reap_ your soul earlier, Haruno Sakura!"

 _Thanks for reading!_

* * *

A/N: Fine print doesn't include time paradoxes. The Shinigami cannot reap souls that have another copy existent within the other world. I really enjoyed writing this!

Nickelback heh.


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